It's disturbing how often one can think one has given absolutely everything into God's care, that one is fully content to let Him do everything His way only, and then find that there is still something in which one is holding back or restricting Him in some way. That was me over the last couple of days. Excitement and expectancy really high, money so low that one account has gone into the red and the other has 16 cents in it (nobody else in the house has money either), and an appointment for travel vaccinations due at 4:15pm on Tuesday (yesterday). With visions and words from the Lord indicating that the time for things to start happening was very close, I went to bed Monday night without any doubts of God's ability to provide the couple of hundred necessary for the medical visit.
Tuesday morning still nothing had happened and Shane told me I would need to cancel the appointment. I didn't want to. I REALLY didn't want to! I hadn't realized it, but having that appointment gave me a false security, because God would need to do things within a certain timeframe - MY timeframe. I was trying to hold God hostage with an appointment I knew I needed, but that I had no way of getting to (insufficient fuel) or paying for. Yep, that's ridiculous!
On top of that, I was tired, somewhat disappointed, and totally didn't understand what God was up to. My Bible reading had only said "Wait patiently for the Lord," [Ps. 27:14], which because of the depressed sort of mood I was in, I wouldn't see as a message from the Lord until later, so add "The Lord didn't say anything to me today" to the mix, and I was one chirpy chick... or not!
Yet I still trusted God. I knew that He had brought me this far, and He would not desert me in the middle. I knew He would fulfill His promises to us - in His perfect time. It felt a bit like Abraham killing his son of the promise, Isaac, but I made the call and cancelled the appointment. Does this still sound ridiculous? Well it is, but it's amazing how difficult it is to let go of the last little thing, even when it's obvious that there's no point hanging onto it anyway.
Amidst all of this, I knew that I needed to rejoice in the difficult times, be thankful, choose to cling to Jesus rather than freak out... all of that. I still knew that, difficult as it seemed at the moment, I would rather live this way, God's way for me, than do anything else on earth.
I muddled on through the day (a movie and a game of Scattegories were good distractions) until the evening when the three of us spent time with the Lord together. I wasn't the only one who was struggling with all this waiting. As I focussed on the Lord, I told Him that I had let go of everything and wanted to do everything His way, but that I still needed His peace to fill me again. Slowly, as I spent time in His presence, that wonderful peace that passes all understanding began to fill me. I'd got that far when we paused to discuss what the Lord was doing. But I was still lacking the joy, and that was what I asked for as we continued. He gave it, but my willing spirit and weak flesh were still at odds, so in the spirit I was overflowing with songs of praise and worship, but I still felt a bit depressed and heavy-hearted (not helped by a headache that was building on the right side of my head). I headed out to the back deck to make a bit of noise. The rather frigid night air helped clear my head (being inside all day really doesn't help), and the determination to vocalize the songs of praise brought the rest of me into line. I returned to the lounge some minutes later with a light step, clear eyes, and a smile inside. The heavy weight somewhere between my heart and my stomach had gone. My brain had switched back on, and I was in "Bring it on!" mode. Because I had deliberately chosen to rejoice in trial and cling to Jesus for strength, He gave me His joy along with His peace.
Further discussion showed that all three of us had done the same thing. When the storm raged around us and despair was the logical next step, we dug deeper into the Rock that is Jesus (yes I know that's an odd metaphor, but somehow it works). Outwardly, circumstances hadn't changed. I still had pain all over one side of my head. We are still penniless. I still need travel vaccinations and a host of other stuff before I can go to Borneo. (That departure is scheduled for April 28, but if that's not God's date, He can change that too.) We are still waiting. But I know without a shadow of doubt that God has it all under control, that He will do everything in His perfect time, and that He, and only He, will get all the glory. Hurray!
I wouldn't have it any other way.
So what's God doing in your life?
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